Why Am I in a Men's Group?
Because we need men's voices speaking as men, and men, myself included, do better when we speak up.
Somebody asked me yesterday why I was in a men’s group and why, in my opinion, they hold the power that they do? The short answer is that the world needs men’s voices when they speak as men and the men, me included, are better when we speak up as men. I want to hear conscious men’s voices speaking out.
But how did it come about with this silence and what might we do about it?
Is there anything different about when men get together as opposed to women do, or when members of other sexual identities do? And what’s the value in that difference? Is it a good thing? Is it valuable, worthy, desirable?
Are men valuable, worthy, desirable?
Traditionally this question wasn’t asked. It didn’t need to be. Everyone already knew the answer. Men as a group served the community in crucially important ways. Men were necessary and everyone knew it.
They knew it because men did stuff everyone could see and benefit from. Historically, men served the community by gathering together with other men because they were stronger and smarter when they were together and more likely to be successful. Men’s skill as hunters in a team gave huge advantage over prey and everyone in the community was more likely to eat.
Almost of equal importance, men came together as warriors for defence. From war bands to grand armies, they banded together and they saved the community from being taken over and enslaved by others. So men fought for their families, their small clans and larger tribes. They fought for their communities, and later when there was such a thing, they fought for their countries. Evolutionarily, this is who men are as a sex.
This virtue of serving others, defending the community and protecting members even at the risk of their own life was the foundation of masculine virtue. When young men grew up and learned how to be men from the men around them, this is what they learned to aspire too. Unwritten and in various traditions, this was the masculine code of honor. Defending the community and protecting others by joining with others and bringing masculine strength, vision and intelligence – even at the risk of your own life - was the core of the code.
Masculine code of honor: A value, especially shared with other men, that you’ll defend even at the risk of life itself.
Providing, protecting, giving all for good of the community was the core of the masculine code of honor passed between and among men. This is how the Greek and Roman heroes and gods, the Hebrew men of old under God, the heroes of all tribes that we knew of, saw themselves. Men serving something higher and nobler than themselves was at the foundation of our culture. To fight only for oneself was seen as without virtue, unworthy of a man.
These stories of men of old are still vibrant in the masculine psyche. They’re still the story of men that men like to hear and tell. It’s Braveheart and Star Wars. They’re the stories that inspires the young people and makes them want to grow up to be men. Male success in giving himself for the good of the community is central to the stuff of life and is woven into the grand theme of all narratives.
The qualities of men were long been prized as virtues the community needs: courage, strength, service. The word virtue comes from the word for man, the same root we got the word virile from. Womanly virtues - faithfulness, devotion and love among them are crucial values too, but this is about the men.
The sense of being necessary servants of the whole and working to give ourselves over to a higher ideal, one that’s greater than us and worth dying for, has been at the core of masculinity from the ancient past.
What Happened?
Several hundred years ago, during the 18th Century, a change came about in Europe that what we’ve come to call the Age of Enlightenment or more accurately the Age of Reason. Reason and science came to take precedence over faith and a higher order to which we were bound. For both men and women, the old order rooted in God and spiritual truth was forced to bow and “take the knee” before Reason and science. The natural strength of man went into hiding in the back of the masculine psyche where it still lives and breathes, an indispensable part of us but sleeping. When this happened the age-old foundation of virtue and the dependence on service, glory and God crumbled and its living strength began to fall away. After hundreds of years of fall, only a shell remains. The changeover of meaning and identity took hold and the living remainder of the past was all but forgotten. A rootless materialism took the place of what we’d lost.
That sense of a necessary manhood of skill, service and strength lives mainly in the cultural shadow now - shamed, an outcast. Both individually and collectively men seldom see themselves as valuable and indispensable servants of the community.
Art by Signe Ruddy
Though the strength remains in the background, most men don’t see themselves or feel themselves as part of it. Nor do they see other men as being that way. In the absence of the ancient community of men, men feel isolated and alone and don’t remember what it is they miss. Part of what they’re missing is the sense of belonging to a greater whole in which men have a crucial meaning and purpose. Absent that truth, everything is given the role of cheap substitute.
The Way Back
Is there a way back? Yes there’s a way back and always will be. It’s the restoration and reclaiming of the language of purpose and service that still lives in the masculine psyche as the heart of the male code. Every time a word of it is spoken in the company of other men it vibrates like a guitar string and makes the others come to life. Just a few native speakers are enough to keep the resonance alive. The male truth exists as a living example and is heard in the voice of those men who are naked and honest enough to hear it and speak it. It’s not fighting words but truthful words about who men really are and what they’re about. The good future cannot emerge without their conscious participation. I also think it will need an honest conversation between women and men but the conversation between each sex privately needs to come first.
And that’s why I’m in a men’s group. Because I want those conversations to happen and I want to be part of them.
Andrew
Indeed, the slow detachment from virtue has left men aimless in our life's purpose. Reclaiming our voice is needed today, and the strength of community (i.e. the men's circle) empowers us to move through life's challenges together.
For me, the men's circle has provided me a multi-faceted mirror I can stare into to find pieces of myself and understand what it means to embody the masculine spirit.
I think, to avoid the consequences of expressing the shadow masculine is to dive deep and face it head on, holding the light of virtue as my compass. Living by a code is how I've managed to keep the shadow on a leash, like taming a dragon that might come in handy should the time call for its strength to serve humanity. Now it's time I get even more clear and conscious of that code, and build on it.
When I came to:"members of other sexual identities" I almost stopped reading, thinking, is Andrew bowing to the woke industry here?
But I persevered and came to your closing " I also think it will need an honest conversation between women and men but that the conversation between each sex privately needs to come first."
Yes, plenty of conversations are needed inter- and intra-gender ones, conversations beyond sexuality, conversations about what concerns all of us.